Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day

So many emotions play into the days leading up to today. If there is an emotion I have had it in years since my mother leaving this world. I've been really mad that I don't have her, I've been very jealous of people who still have their mothers, but mostly I stay really sad because I miss her every day. She was bossy, nosey, in my business, opinionated, but more than anything she was my best friend. She didn't get that title until I was married and a mother myself then I realized she was pretty smart after all. There wasn't a day that went by after I became a mom that we didn't talk (sometimes several times). I used to think one day I will get this world figured out and I won't need her. I was so wrong....I feel like I need her more and more each passing year. I knew she wasn't healthy, I knew I wouldn't have her for lots and lots of years, I certainly never dreamed she would be gone as quickly as she was. I can replay that last day like it happened a couple of minutes ago and I have to think really hard before I can tell you what I did yesterday, that is how it is burned into my memory. In the past couple of years I have had to forcefully make myself enjoy this day. I am so thankful that God saw fit for me to be the mother of 3 wonderful girls that all have a part of my mom in them. I am thankful that He has given me such good memories of her. This week I've focused on some of the ordinary memories. Some nights she would sleep with me and I would talk her to sleep (imagine that). She had a pink plush robe and the nights I would get scared I would touch a stuffed animal and pretend it was her. Going to the store on hot days, buying a cold coke and sitting in the shade in the car drinking it and talking. Or me pretending to be sick for her to check me out, if it was cold we would park in the sun and just sit in the car and talk. All ordinary memories, all so cherished. Do I still feel angry, jealous,sad? Absolutely, I'm human. But mostly I feel blessed. God gave me a tiger of a mother who would have went up against anyone or anything to protect her children. She taught me to be strong.  She taught me how to love. Her passing away forced me to really become a grown up and I was capable of that because of her guiding me through those first 23 years of life. 

While my  mother isn't here any longer, I have some amazing women who have filled the gap and for that I am thankful. I know I am a lot to deal with at times, those women will never know how important and precious they have been in my life. 

This Mother's Day I will be envious of you who have a mother, but also so happy that you do. I will appreciate the women who I respect, admire and love and I will remember my mother, the woman who loved me before anyone else had a chance. 

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