Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day

So many emotions play into the days leading up to today. If there is an emotion I have had it in years since my mother leaving this world. I've been really mad that I don't have her, I've been very jealous of people who still have their mothers, but mostly I stay really sad because I miss her every day. She was bossy, nosey, in my business, opinionated, but more than anything she was my best friend. She didn't get that title until I was married and a mother myself then I realized she was pretty smart after all. There wasn't a day that went by after I became a mom that we didn't talk (sometimes several times). I used to think one day I will get this world figured out and I won't need her. I was so wrong....I feel like I need her more and more each passing year. I knew she wasn't healthy, I knew I wouldn't have her for lots and lots of years, I certainly never dreamed she would be gone as quickly as she was. I can replay that last day like it happened a couple of minutes ago and I have to think really hard before I can tell you what I did yesterday, that is how it is burned into my memory. In the past couple of years I have had to forcefully make myself enjoy this day. I am so thankful that God saw fit for me to be the mother of 3 wonderful girls that all have a part of my mom in them. I am thankful that He has given me such good memories of her. This week I've focused on some of the ordinary memories. Some nights she would sleep with me and I would talk her to sleep (imagine that). She had a pink plush robe and the nights I would get scared I would touch a stuffed animal and pretend it was her. Going to the store on hot days, buying a cold coke and sitting in the shade in the car drinking it and talking. Or me pretending to be sick for her to check me out, if it was cold we would park in the sun and just sit in the car and talk. All ordinary memories, all so cherished. Do I still feel angry, jealous,sad? Absolutely, I'm human. But mostly I feel blessed. God gave me a tiger of a mother who would have went up against anyone or anything to protect her children. She taught me to be strong.  She taught me how to love. Her passing away forced me to really become a grown up and I was capable of that because of her guiding me through those first 23 years of life. 

While my  mother isn't here any longer, I have some amazing women who have filled the gap and for that I am thankful. I know I am a lot to deal with at times, those women will never know how important and precious they have been in my life. 

This Mother's Day I will be envious of you who have a mother, but also so happy that you do. I will appreciate the women who I respect, admire and love and I will remember my mother, the woman who loved me before anyone else had a chance. 


Last night I finished the book titled Anything by Jennie Allen.  So this morning I sit here still in awe of it.  I have read Kisses From Katie and was so moved by the measure of faith in her at such a young age.  I remember thinking she had more faith at such a young age than I have now at age 41.  So I have been saved since I was 18 years old.  To say I have ever lived a faith filled life, I would have to say no.  After reading Anything I realize how shallow my faith is. In Kisses From Katie one would be motivated to abandon all their possessions and move to Uganda and help in making the lives of those children better.  However God hasn't shown me that that is the direction He has for me.  We have our bus ministry at church and sometimes I feel that those kids are my Uganda.  I need to be doing my all to make their lives better, but FIRST and FOREMOST I have to show them Christ. 

Back to Anything.  What is my Anything?  What is it that God has for me?  My head is so full of thoughts, which is why I decided to blog this morning. In living this shallow faith filled life I will tell you I love Jesus!  I have thought living my "good" life was enough.  Realizing how my actions mean little to nothing when my heart is what is revealed to Him, that is overwhelming.  I read of her faith and realize mine is nothing in comparison.  What I carried most from the book (this morning's thoughts) is that while I am saved I of course still live a sinful life, as all of us do.  That is where my faith seems to be stuck.  I want to let go of all my worldly desires and simply follow Him.  My hold back is the power I give to sin.  While my brain knows He is an all knowing and all forgiving God, my heart refuses to let it go.  To just let go of the guilt of sin, to step out and just live in His freedom, how freeing that must be.  I believe my life has been in slow transformation for quiet a while.  I have became more and more aware of the "other Gods" I put before me.  My passion for those bus kids has become so much stronger.  I do believe that in order to get past myself and let God reveal my Anything to me, that is just what I have to do, get past myself.  He is the creator of the universe and He can make me do anything He desires. However I believe He wants my heart to only desire pleasing Him.  When I get there (hopefully soon) He will show me my Anything. 

This morning I am almost drowned by the fact that the closer I desire to walk with My Creator the harder that Satan will attack.  He loves to let me get to the point of surrender then just flash my sins before my eyes, I hate him!!  My prayer at this moment is that I will pursue a completely surrendered life with Christ and when the stupid devil wants to put something in front of my face that my God will put something stronger and more powerful in front of his ugly face. 

This will be a journey that should take place for the rest of my life here on earth.  While I am here I want to glorify God.  I want to have a close fellowship with him.  I want to be able to tell him when I am feeling especially blessed and I want to tell him when I am feeling especially tempted.  I want to give him the position of my best friend.  We are only here in this world for a short time.  So far I have managed to make a real mess up of my time.  So for the remainder of my time here I want to focus whole heartedly on Him, so that when I meet Him face to face he can say Cindy, with you I am pleased.  See there the devil just did his thing.  I was imagining God touching my face smiling and being pleased with me and the devil just tried to steal that moment, he said "what if God says all the bad you did?"  Sucker punching the devil right now!!  NO My God is forgiving.  He knows me by my name.  He knows my heart.  He created me for His pleasure. 

If you decide to read my blog I pray that there will only be truth in it.  Stick with me as I search for my Anything.  Pray for me as I seek a life fully surrendered to Him. 

If you go back and read old posts, it has been SO long since I have blogged, I really have no idea what  all is there.  However since I opened this back up this morning I am sure I will be looking back. 

May you have a day filled with the Joy of the Lord.