Saturday, May 10, 2014

Mother's Day

So many emotions play into the days leading up to today. If there is an emotion I have had it in years since my mother leaving this world. I've been really mad that I don't have her, I've been very jealous of people who still have their mothers, but mostly I stay really sad because I miss her every day. She was bossy, nosey, in my business, opinionated, but more than anything she was my best friend. She didn't get that title until I was married and a mother myself then I realized she was pretty smart after all. There wasn't a day that went by after I became a mom that we didn't talk (sometimes several times). I used to think one day I will get this world figured out and I won't need her. I was so wrong....I feel like I need her more and more each passing year. I knew she wasn't healthy, I knew I wouldn't have her for lots and lots of years, I certainly never dreamed she would be gone as quickly as she was. I can replay that last day like it happened a couple of minutes ago and I have to think really hard before I can tell you what I did yesterday, that is how it is burned into my memory. In the past couple of years I have had to forcefully make myself enjoy this day. I am so thankful that God saw fit for me to be the mother of 3 wonderful girls that all have a part of my mom in them. I am thankful that He has given me such good memories of her. This week I've focused on some of the ordinary memories. Some nights she would sleep with me and I would talk her to sleep (imagine that). She had a pink plush robe and the nights I would get scared I would touch a stuffed animal and pretend it was her. Going to the store on hot days, buying a cold coke and sitting in the shade in the car drinking it and talking. Or me pretending to be sick for her to check me out, if it was cold we would park in the sun and just sit in the car and talk. All ordinary memories, all so cherished. Do I still feel angry, jealous,sad? Absolutely, I'm human. But mostly I feel blessed. God gave me a tiger of a mother who would have went up against anyone or anything to protect her children. She taught me to be strong.  She taught me how to love. Her passing away forced me to really become a grown up and I was capable of that because of her guiding me through those first 23 years of life. 

While my  mother isn't here any longer, I have some amazing women who have filled the gap and for that I am thankful. I know I am a lot to deal with at times, those women will never know how important and precious they have been in my life. 

This Mother's Day I will be envious of you who have a mother, but also so happy that you do. I will appreciate the women who I respect, admire and love and I will remember my mother, the woman who loved me before anyone else had a chance. 

Anything

Last night I finished the book titled Anything by Jennie Allen.  So this morning I sit here still in awe of it.  I have read Kisses From Katie and was so moved by the measure of faith in her at such a young age.  I remember thinking she had more faith at such a young age than I have now at age 41.  So I have been saved since I was 18 years old.  To say I have ever lived a faith filled life, I would have to say no.  After reading Anything I realize how shallow my faith is. In Kisses From Katie one would be motivated to abandon all their possessions and move to Uganda and help in making the lives of those children better.  However God hasn't shown me that that is the direction He has for me.  We have our bus ministry at church and sometimes I feel that those kids are my Uganda.  I need to be doing my all to make their lives better, but FIRST and FOREMOST I have to show them Christ. 

Back to Anything.  What is my Anything?  What is it that God has for me?  My head is so full of thoughts, which is why I decided to blog this morning. In living this shallow faith filled life I will tell you I love Jesus!  I have thought living my "good" life was enough.  Realizing how my actions mean little to nothing when my heart is what is revealed to Him, that is overwhelming.  I read of her faith and realize mine is nothing in comparison.  What I carried most from the book (this morning's thoughts) is that while I am saved I of course still live a sinful life, as all of us do.  That is where my faith seems to be stuck.  I want to let go of all my worldly desires and simply follow Him.  My hold back is the power I give to sin.  While my brain knows He is an all knowing and all forgiving God, my heart refuses to let it go.  To just let go of the guilt of sin, to step out and just live in His freedom, how freeing that must be.  I believe my life has been in slow transformation for quiet a while.  I have became more and more aware of the "other Gods" I put before me.  My passion for those bus kids has become so much stronger.  I do believe that in order to get past myself and let God reveal my Anything to me, that is just what I have to do, get past myself.  He is the creator of the universe and He can make me do anything He desires. However I believe He wants my heart to only desire pleasing Him.  When I get there (hopefully soon) He will show me my Anything. 

This morning I am almost drowned by the fact that the closer I desire to walk with My Creator the harder that Satan will attack.  He loves to let me get to the point of surrender then just flash my sins before my eyes, I hate him!!  My prayer at this moment is that I will pursue a completely surrendered life with Christ and when the stupid devil wants to put something in front of my face that my God will put something stronger and more powerful in front of his ugly face. 

This will be a journey that should take place for the rest of my life here on earth.  While I am here I want to glorify God.  I want to have a close fellowship with him.  I want to be able to tell him when I am feeling especially blessed and I want to tell him when I am feeling especially tempted.  I want to give him the position of my best friend.  We are only here in this world for a short time.  So far I have managed to make a real mess up of my time.  So for the remainder of my time here I want to focus whole heartedly on Him, so that when I meet Him face to face he can say Cindy, with you I am pleased.  See there the devil just did his thing.  I was imagining God touching my face smiling and being pleased with me and the devil just tried to steal that moment, he said "what if God says all the bad you did?"  Sucker punching the devil right now!!  NO My God is forgiving.  He knows me by my name.  He knows my heart.  He created me for His pleasure. 

If you decide to read my blog I pray that there will only be truth in it.  Stick with me as I search for my Anything.  Pray for me as I seek a life fully surrendered to Him. 

If you go back and read old posts, it has been SO long since I have blogged, I really have no idea what  all is there.  However since I opened this back up this morning I am sure I will be looking back. 

May you have a day filled with the Joy of the Lord. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

LONG ABSENCE

Realizing I spend too much time facebooking....I think I am going to attempt the blog thing again. Hang with me while I attempt to make it a routine for me again. I don't think I will start doing this from my phone, which should make my battery should last longer between charges. Facebook had been draining that sucker! Not saying I am off facebook forever, just taking a little break like I do from time to time.

Considering how long it's been since I blogged there is lots of information I haven't shared, I am sure.

Mallory moved out and has moved back she was gone around 9 months. Having her move back in the house is still a transistion. I love that everyone is back under one roof. We know as females that we need "me" time. The more people in one house the less "me" time I experience.

Jacey is working on her senior year. I am not one to "wish my life away" but I can't wait until that graduation ceremony to take place. Jacoby is doing great. He continues to amaze us everyday. I am sure if he had been born on time and average weight he would amaze us just the same. They call them GRANDchildren for a reason.

LexyLane is in 6th grade and has the typical pre-teen attitude blossoming. I can't say that I am a huge fan of that. Sometimes she says or does something, and I catch myself shaking my head and saying to myself "ding ding round 3".

I have so many ideas going through my head to post, but for now I need to get lunch ready for some littles. The calm time here is few and far between.

Well would you just look at that, I did a blog post in just a few minutes. If I were on facebook, it would have easily milked 30 minutes out of my morning.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

WORDLESS WEDNESDAY




Let me just say Thank You to morning naps.


Monday, October 25, 2010

Butter Pecan Pound Cake


1 pkg. butter pecan cake mix3/4 c. oil1 c. water1/4 chopped pecans(I didn't have any the icing is enough for me)1 can coconut pecan frosting4 eggs.Grease bundt pan. Combine cake mix, eggs, oil and water. Mix 2 minutes or until smooth. Add frosting to batter; mix well. Pour into pan. Bake 350 degrees for 55 minutes, until brown. ENJOY!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Technically it is Tuesday I am always behind!

Monday: Philly Cheese Steak sandwich with chips (recipe below)
Tuesday: Potato Soup with Cornbread
Wednesday: Whatever Mrs. Joann cooks at church (hallelujah)
Thursday: Chicken stew to be ready after Lexy Lane is finished cheering
Friday: Date night with Mr. Howell....girls are on their own
Saturday: Hot wings and frito salad (if everyone will be home)
Sunday: lunch- Crossroads
dinner- tailgate service at church. I think I am taking apple taffy pizza, heart attacks on
a stick, not sure what else.
Then it will be time to plan again.....to have a cook and a maid....ahhh the life it would be!

Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich

I posted this photo on my facebook last night. Now I will tell you all about it (contain your excitement). This was taken from a Pampered Chef cookbook, remember I used to sell that stuff. So I am not writing the recipe, I am writing the "tweeked" version that makes my house happy.
2 cans of refrigerated pizza crust
1 lb of roast beef (deli slices is what I use)
2 blocks of Monterrey pepper jack cheese
Roll out one crust flat. Place the sandwich meat all over it, covering it well. Grate the cheese and sprinkle one block all over it. Then start with one side and begin rolling (jelly roll style). I have cooked just one before and cooked it straight like a sub. But to feed more I make the other crust the same way and put it on my round stone to cook. I then rub egg white all over the crust to make it turn golden brown while cooking.
Bake at 400 degrees about 25 minutes.
My family doesn't really like bell peppers and some don't like onions. So what I do is just saute onions and mushrooms to eat poured on top of my sandwich. If every one likes these you can roll these in the sandwich as well. This feeds 4 people (healthy Howell size servings).

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

UPDATE!

Great News! Jacoby came home Friday evening. He is doing great. Brant and Jacey took him for a check up today at the pediatrician. He is at 6lbs. 2ozs. I was a little worried, because he isn't interested in eating at all. But he is growing and his same speedy pace. Last night he kept Jacey up most of the night. She wasn't a happy camper when leaving for school today. She is tired. I told her when he was in the hospital, we may be tired of driving over, but she doesn't know tired until it is her having to take care of him at night.

If you know me, you know I am as far from OCD as one can possibly get. But since he has gotten home, I feel like Babies R Us threw up in our living room, well my whole house. I have had baby supplies around for years, but not to this extreme. I just walk in and look and think...how can a body that small require so much STUFF?! It feels like my house is shrinking as I type. Don't get me started on my kitchen. I am just amazed....so much stuff...EVERYWHERE. He is still one of the most perfect sites I have ever laid my eyes on.

I think eventually I will blog about a different topic. Lets start with this.

*Brant is on his second week out of work. If you remember the economy STINKS right now. I keep hoping everyday that he will get a call for work. While I am so glad he is here to help out with Jacoby and doctor appointments, I can't help but get those tension headaches that come with not being sure where the bill money will come from. I try not to complain and whine too much because somehow it always works out. I remember to look around and know that people are worse off than we are. He has also started back with the choir at church after about a year away. We all know that makes him happy.

*Mallory is still going to college. Not sure if I ever posted that she quit her job at the orthopaedic clinic. While it was the best job for a college student (no nights and weekends). She was having a hard time balancing the schedule in the summer, so she is back at Burger Chick. She used to hate there, until she worked a job of filing and not many people around. Now she appreciates that place, because she is never bored.

*Jacey, I believe you have the update on her.

*LexyLane has decided to do recreation cheer leading this year (as I gag). We have had 2 cheerleaders, I really was hoping for her to be our ball player. She still says she will play basketball, only time will tell. She is LOVING cheering. Saturday after our game in Bremen one of her friends (on Bremen's team) moms said, after the halftime show....where did she get those moves? She was a rock star! I said of course they came from me, NOT REALLY! I put her in dance class at 4 years old. After watching a few practices and seeing the price sheet of all that stuff, I decided she could dance perfectly well in her own bedroom. That is what she has done since she could walk. I always hear her dancing and she does just fine teaching herself. I have been pretty impressed by her this football season. Sooooo, it is looking like cheerleader #3 has sprung. Have mercy!

Fall is in the air and that makes me smile. Halloween is my LEAST favorite, but I do love the weather that is coming around that time. Then it is Thanksgiving which is my FAVORITE holiday.

So Happy Fall Ya'll.
See, I am trying to be better at blogging.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

The light at the end of the tunnel

The little man is getting very close to being home, where he belongs. Since he has been born life has been different. There seems to be NO routine anymore. I don't know from one day to the next if I am going to the hospital or not. The only thing I can count on is Jacey is going everyday regardless. If she has someone else ride with her, I don't go. If she doesn't then I get to go see him. I would love to see him everyday. But in reality 2 hours on the road and a couple of hours there takes all evening. When that happens it means that I have little time to be with LexyLane, and she needs me too. Jacey has stopped working at Crossroads, which required her to work every weekend. She now works for an embroidery business that is M-F 12-6. When she started this job we were thinking how nice it would be for her to be off on the weekends. But wow, working until 6 everyday has been a load for her. She goes to school until 11:30 then straight to work. At 6 she gets off and comes home for a couple of minutes, to eat. Then it is off to the hospital. She gets there at about 8 and stays until 9:30 or 10, then the hour drive home. She wakes up the next day and does it all over again. She has amazed me. This week she ask to start getting off at 4 so she could make it over to feed him 2 bottles one at 6 one at 9. When we went over Tuesday evening they told us that they think he will be home sometime this week. We are thrilled! Jacey told me she was so glad I was with her when she got that news. That makes a mom's heart smile. She feeds him at 6 and at 6:30 we are booted out of the hospital for shift change until 8. So you can see that visits with Jacoby can be frustrating. I am hoping that as I type that his feeding tube is removed. He is supposed to be able to have it taken out once he has 8 feedings that he doesn't require any to go through the tube, meaning he takes the entire bottle by mouth. He did that yesterday. We are thinking he will be home sometime Saturday. Strange how some of the hardest news for a parent (that your 16 year old is expecting a baby) can turn into one of the most exciting times of your life. Right after we found out, the rumors started flying. We live in a very small town where everyone knows your business. A friend of mine called and said another lady was saying, "Brant and Cindy are excited about Jacey having a baby." I was amazed at how people talk. I said go back to her, I don't care who she is, and tell her what is there not to be excited about. Our girl is an extremely good and intelligent girl, she will be an amazing mother. So what that she is 16, that is her path to take, no one else's and it will not effect her in the least....we promise. So yes we are excited. I mean REALLY as a parent what are you supposed to do? I love my kids EACH ONE to pieces! I loved Jacey no less after finding out the news. It breaks my heart to see the part of childhood that she is missing. But thrills me to no end how she has faced the challenge before her. I wasn't mad at the girl who wanted to get a rise out of me. I remembered that I have said cruel things through the years also, out of ignorance. Jacey had to face plenty of challenges from classmates judgement, the judgement from adults is the least of her concern. She is a beautiful girl who has started an adult life early. She will continue to be a success in whatever she does, I have no doubt. We just can't wait to get Jacoby home and some semblance of a routine back in our lives.



Friday, August 27, 2010

Jacoby's grand entrance

I said that I would give you the story of Jacoby's arrival. First let me tell you how his name is pronounced, it sounds like Ja Kobe, not Jacob with a y. Anyway, now you know.

As you may know our kids went back to school on August 3rd. Jacey came home that afternoon, dragging. She was complaining that her back was hurting. Me being the very uncompassionate mother that I am said, "you laid around all summer, sitting in those desks will kick your fanny". It was a Tuesday so she was able to lay around and rest that evening. Again Wednesday morning, complaining that her back was hurting. Again I am unsympathetic. I mean REALLY, she isn't the only person to ever be pregnant! Wednesday afternoon she looked like she had about had it. She said there weren't enough desks in chemistry so she had to sit on a stool the entire class. I told her to not do that again, she needs support for her back. We get ready and go to church. When we were having dinner I looked across the fellowship hall at Jacey. She was propped on the table looking miserable. I told my friend that Jacey would have to quit working because I didn't see how she could handle school, work and pregnancy. At this point I am feeling really bad for her, because I can see how bad she is feeling. We go do our classes at church and come home. I immediately come in and start mopping. Jacey comes to me and says that she is bleeding. I wasn't alarmed, due to the fact that I spotted during my pregnancy with her. I told her to call her doctor. As I walk into her room, I hear her doctor ask if she is having contractions. Until that point early labor had not crossed my mind. She tells him she doesn't know what they feel like, so he describes them and she says then yes she is having them. At that moment my legs turned to jello. We go to the ER. Then to the monitors and all that jazz. She is dilated to a 4. Her doctor comes in and says that the baby will be born within the next 24 hours. At that point I fall to pieces. And all the words I had said about her back hurting were running through my head. And all the guilt that goes with that. Her Dr. says that she has to be transported to either Cobb or Columbus. Since Carrollton doesn't have a NICU to take care of a baby born 13 weeks early. I pray for Cobb. They tell me I can't ride in the ambulance with her. This is hard for any mother, especially the mother of a 16 year old. Then again God showed up. Cobb could take her, my brother was off and came to the hospital when I called him. The ambulance arrives and is ready. My brother tells the other paramedics he is driving her. An old friend heard Jacey was at the hospital and came in to be the nurse to ride to Cobb with her rather than the nurse who was planning to ride. Jacey is strapped down on the stretcher, I am getting things ready to go and my brother says come on you ride up front with me. RELIEF! She was perfectly fine the whole ride over, but I would have went insane in our car trying to get to the hospital.

Arrival at Cobb. The mid wife seemed to think they could keep Jacoby inside for about 3 weeks. She said her being dilated to a 4 was no real big deal. They would keep Jacey from delivering. I felt that they had seen this tons of times before and thought, we will be here for a long long time. We are all exhausted (expecially Jacey). I left to come home to pack up the things we would be needing. I left Brant and Hunter with her. I guess I got home around 3 am. I had decided to take LexyLane to school and then go back to the hospital. I laid down to sleep. At about 4 Brant called me and said she was dilated to a 10 the medicine hadn't stopped the labor process. He said she would be delivering soon. I jump in the shower in an attempt to wake me up before my hour drive. With a wet head I am back on the road.

Jacey delivered a ray of sunshine at 10:46 a.m. He was 2lbs 12ozs. 15 3/4in long. He came into this world screaming. Perfect in appearance, just incredibly small. The doctors and nurses have been very impressed with the little fighter. We have been just as impressed. I have also been amazed with my beautiful daughter. She was in labor 2 days! She never one time complained other than the discomfort. When the contractions were hitting her the hardest she just grabbed the rail of the bed and grimmaced her face. I said baby you can scream if it will help your feelings. That girl is incredibly strong!

I had ask what caused early delivery. I was told that sometimes we never know. Apparently they test the placenta to try to determine the cause. When Jacoby was born, I heard the doctor say no need to send the placenta. The nurse ask why. He said that Jacey's placenta had began detaching there was a blood clot formed. Now looking back, now that I have caught my breath. I realize that Jacoby coming early could have very well saved my daughters life. We have babies everyday and with little regard to the danger. In these days and times we rarely hear about a mother not surviving. So with all of God's showing off, I am very thankful that I have a perfectly healthy daughter and a grand son who is fighting as hard as he can to be home with his mommie. Until then we wait patiently.

Jacey returned to school one week after Jacoby was born and to work 2 weeks after. She is tired, but she realizes her responsibilities. She does all this and visits Jacoby everyday. She missed last Thursday and Friday due to work. She went last night late and will not be able to go tonight because of work. I know that the long drive is tiring for her, but she wants to see him everyday possible, and what mother doesn't want to see their babies everyday.